Five Things I'm Embarrassed to Admit Because I Want People to Think I Have it Together
While the photos, captions and videos I put out online are very much the real me, it’s not the whole story. The beautiful thing about social media, versus being chased by the the paparazzi, is that we are all 100% in control of how much or little we share. There’s things my online audience will probably never know, but I can still be authentic and real with the things I do choose to share.
I do think it can be helpful to open up and be a little extra vulnerable sometimes to connect deeper with the fellow human beings that have chosen to read my posts and follow along, so that’s what I’m doing here.
If you’ve ever for a moment thought I’ve had it figured out or all together, here are 5 things I’m embarrassed to admit (there’s at least 20 more I could add to this), but want you to know about me in case you can relate to any of them and know you’re not alone.
#1 - I sleep in until at least 7:00 each morning
I used to wake up at 5 AM five days a week to do a very structured morning routine - Now I sleep until 7 most days.
I have a ton of guilt around this because I know how important morning routines are and “the early bird get the worm,” but right now it’s not happening for me. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I’m also staying up a lot later and I’ve always had trouble sleeping through the night (more on that in #2), but part of it is that I’ve come across many successful people who sleep past 5:00 am and sometimes way later and they’re still rockin’ it. So, I guess I’m less hung up on the idea that if I don’t get up early I won’t make, but I do still have guilt around not doing it for some reason.
#2 - I wake up almost every night around 3:00 AM with a huge amount of anxiety around money and losing my house.
I would say this started happening consistently when I had Isaiah, so it makes sense I guess that now I’m also responsible for another human. But the weird thing is that it doesn’t matter how much money I’m making, the heaviness that sits on my chest is there - I could be on food stamps (see confession #3) or making over 6-figures (#4 confession) that feeling is still there.
I am actively working on this with meditating more regularly (thanks to the Deepak app) and tapping (the book “Tapping into Wealth” was recommended to me and has been a game changer).
#3 - The first year of my son’s life, I was on food stamps, my sister had to move in with me, and my dad had to help me pay my rent.
This is one of things that’s been most embarrassing for me and I think a big part of it is that I was 30 at the time, not 16. I “should” have had things together way more. I remember holding my breath each time I got to the checkout counter at the grocery story hoping it would be less than the amount I had on my food stamp card. If it wasn’t I had to embarrassingly ask them to take things back until it was.
I will forever and ever be grateful for an opportunity that was given to me for a sales role and within 2 years I had doubled my income and the next year doubled it again. I could write a whole post on the benefits of a sales job. As “slimy” as some people feel about it, if done the right way, you really can help others at the same time you provide a great living for your family.
#4 - I hung my self-worth on how much money I made.
And since we’re being honest, I still do a little bit but have gotten WAY better. For some stupid reason, it was so important to me that anyone I dated knew how much I made to show them I didn’t “need” them for anything. I could take care of myself.
There’s probably several hundred dollars of therapy wrapped up in my money issues, but for the purpose of keeping it concise, I’ll just say that if I didn’t hit my goal in sales, I told myself I sucked and was terrible at what I did. If I didn’t bring in a certain amount of money each month, I told myself I was a failure who wasn’t going to make it. Which now writing this just sounds terrible.
I was so obsessed with being a sales“star” that I’ve set a 2 AM alarm more than once, to get up and call a client in Australia for month end closeout, so that I could hit my goal and show my boss I’m serious and will do “whatever it takes.” I think some of that can be good, but it comes with a cost (like quality time with your kids, not being present, quality of your sleep, sanity, etc.).
#5 - I would crumble anytime I missed one of my regular CycleBar classes.
This is so embarrassing because I’m a grown woman and out of all the things in life to fall apart over...BUT I would spiral down fast if for some reason if I didn’t have someone to watch Isaiah and I would miss one of my regular morning CycleBar classes
The whole day was ruined, I was a grouch and agitated, and most likely the rest of the week was a wreck unless I could make it up.
What may be weird to know is that it didn’t have anything to do with an obsession of working out or calorie counting. Instead, at the time I had created a life that I wanted to escape from and I used CycleBar as my escape. Some people have a couple of glasses of Merlot, I used spinning. Outside of my nightly snuggles with Isaiah, it was the only thing I had to look forward to in my mind, so when it didn’t happen it was devastating.
It sounds dramatic, but more than that it makes me sad to think about that person. I had everything and more on paper that anyone could ever ask for, but I was a hollow shell, going through the movements, living a life of should’s and feeling very unfulfilled, lost and trapped.
Now, I realize that I was in control of how I perceived that life and could have done better looking for the good, but also I just wasn’t happy no matter how much I willed myself to be. At some point over this past summer, the fear of me missing out on my potential and a life that I did want become greater than the fear of leaving security and comfort and jumping into uncertainty, so here I am.
So clearly, I never have or probably never will, have it all “together and want to make sure you knew it was OK if don’t either. <3
If you have an embarrassing confession you’d like to get out there, share it below and we’ll virtually high-five our imperfect selves for doing the best we can at any given time.